An Interview with a Time Traveling Archaeologist
If I thought getting a vampire to sit down for an interview was difficult, it was nothing compared to pinning down a time traveler. But just like the vampire, she wasn’t anything like I expected… I suppose, that’s on me, since I was half expecting an Indiana Jones caricature to walk into the coffee shop, fedora, and all.
Instead, I was met with someone completely – normal. If you don’t count the fact that she travels through time, and has her very own murder of crows, who followed her to the interview. We sit outside, so she can feed them peanuts while we chat. It’s slightly off-putting at first, watching corvids chat with her in a language only they understand.
After a couple sips of my latte, I jump right in, and ask how exactly she became a time traveling archaeologist…
I didn’t choose the life, it chose me. She gives a wry smile before taking a sip of her coffee – plain, black. I am an archaeologist, was a bit out of practice, when a woman showed up, told me my name appeared in a book, and the rest is history.
I want to ask her how long she’s been time traveling, but I get the impression it would be like asking her age, something I can’t quite pinpoint, since she appears every bit as ageless as the vampire I recently interviewed. I settled on asking her about her favorite period to travel to.
I’m partial to Egypt, it’s such a misunderstood time and place. Civilians often think of only Tut, Cleopatra, or desperately want to tie it into biblical archaeology, but it’s so much more than that. I mean, how many people know anything about Thonis-Heracleion?
I can only nod, since I’m too embarrassed to admit I have no idea what she’s talking about. I slyly do a quick search on my phone – it’s a sunken city, mentioned throughout antiquity, but only found a little over two decades ago.
I’m curious to know more about Egypt, but even more curious to know more about time travel, so I ask for an explanation without all the physics jargon nobody understands.
Hmm, I’ll try my best… The Archives exists outside of time, so we can go to any time because for us, they’re all happening at once.
So you can’t change anything that’s meant to happen?
You mean like the Grandfather Paradox?
Sure, that. I nod, realizing just how unprepared I was for this interview.
No, we can’t change anything. Every new archaeologist tries, but as soon as the time loop closes, everything goes back to normal.
Dare I ask what you tried to change? I let out a nervous giggle, wondering if she’ll actually answer the question.
I wasn’t nearly as ambitious as my fellow time travelers, some of them have brought back dragon eggs, tried to stop the Kennedy assassination, or give a relative winning lottery numbers… Me, I just tried to change the color of my first car. A small, inconsequential thing, that may or may not influence anything.
It didn’t change anything? I raise my eyebrow, wondering if something so small could have any long-lasting effects.
As I said, once the time loop closes, everything goes back to the way it was meant to be.
Can I ask how long the Archives has existed?
That’s above my pay grade – some say when the world itself came into existence, others say Einstein created it. She rolls her eyes.
I can’t help rewinding a bit of our conversation in my mind, so I circle back to the dragon eggs. Dragons were real?
Quite. You interviewed our resident vampire, if they exist, why not dragons?
Fair enough, I laugh. Any other interesting creatures out there?
If it’s been written about, chances are it existed in one form or another. We have a few creatures at the office, none of which I’m at liberty to discuss.
Did any of those dragon eggs hatch?
One of two, we named him Wilbur.
What do dragons eat?
Nosy journalists. She lets out a thunderous laugh. Kidding, we only feed them to the vampire. She looks at me thoughtfully for a second. I’m sorry, I’ve made you nervous – he’s squeamish, would probably be a vegetarian if he was still mortal, so he only drinks animal blood from teacups.
Knowing we’re short on time, I ask her where her travels will take her next.
Hmm, I’ve never been to Woodstock.
Alligator Race Ends in Tragedy, as Favorite to Win, Henry, Places 3rd!
The annual Day at the Races got tongues and teeth wagging, when in a shock turn of events, undisputed champion, Henry, lost to the young, upstart, Poseidon. At the beginning of the sunrise race, Henry was the clear frontrunner, staying in first position for most of the race. He swam through the lake with the same grace that helped secure his six previous wins, until an otter decided this wasn’t going to be Henry’s year…
The unnamed otter, appeared out of nowhere, proving too much of a distraction for Henry, who began swimming in the opposite direction of the race. The otter disappeared nearly as fast as he came, leaving some townspeople to question if it was done on purpose.
We attempted to investigate claims of paid-off otters, and the dishonest fishermen who employ them, but we found no substantial evidence to validate these claims, so we must congratulate Poseidon on his win.
Better luck next year, Henry!
In Other Sporting News…
The Dragons delivered a startling, yet not totally unexpected upset to the Knights during their semi-annual Jousting with Fire Competition. Thankfully, no knights were killed during this rather odd display of Medieval masculinity, only slightly overcooked, like Grandma’s pork chops.
The Witch is In…
Every week I try to help solve our reader’s most difficult dilemmas. If you’d like the chance to be featured in my column, you can email me – penelopepierce@thetimetraveltimes.com
In this week’s column, I help a reader deal with her Bridezilla sister…
Dear Penelope,
Last year, when my sister told me she was getting married, I was over the moon. I couldn’t wait to start helping her plan her dream wedding, but what started out as something fun has turned into a nightmare. My wonderful, sweet sister has become a total Bridezilla, where nothing is up to her standards, and it’s starting to turn what should be a happy time into misery for all involved.
After her latest out-of-body during the cake tasting, our mom, and the groom asked if I’d speak to her about her antics. I didn’t want her to feel like I was attacking her, so I approached it as offering to take some of the weight off her shoulders by taking on some more of the planning. Instead of being grateful for the offer, she accused me of being jealous of her happiness, and fired me from my job as Maid of Honor.
Yours truly,
Sort of Jilted at the Altar
Dear Sort of Jilted at the Altar,
Ah, it’s that time of year again – weddings and the Bridezillas they bring out in some of our nearest and dearest. What these brides gone wild seem to not understand is that no wedding is ever perfect. Something always happens, whether it’s a drunk relative causing a scene, or the pink tablecloths being more magenta than blush… But none of those things matter, what does matter is the union of two people celebrating the start of their lives together with their family and friends.
I’m not one to normally accept being walked all over like a welcome mat, but the Bridezilla in question is your sister, so I would suggest you and the family sit her down and have a conversation. I wouldn’t call it an intervention, simply a chat about what matters, and what doesn’t. Remind her that a year from now, it won’t matter if the caterer accidentally served chicken piccata instead of chicken marsala, or that drunk Uncle Larry thought he sounded just like Frank Sinatra as he went stole the microphone from the band to give his own rendition of New York, New York. If anything, those little screw ups are what will make the day memorable. They’re all things you can laugh about in the future, but nobody will be laughing if the two of you don’t make up prior to her big day.
If the little chat doesn’t help to patch things up, then you’ll have to accept that she’s in full Bridezilla mode, and no amount of placating her will help. However, chances are as soon as she returns from her honeymoon, she’ll be right back to the lovely sister you remember.
Carmilla’s Spring Salad
The simplest, most delicious salad for a quick lunch or dinner. Add a protein to make it a fuller meal. We suggest grilled chicken or shrimp.
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One package of Spring Mix
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½ cup Feta Cheese
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1 cup Pickled Onions
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1 cup Pumpernickel Croutons
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½ cup Lite Italian Dressing or Balsamic Vinaigrette
Mix with salad tongs, serve immediately.
Happy Halfway to Halloween
It’s no secret that we LOVE Halloween, it’s right up there with Mardi Gras (you should’ve seen our Mardi Gras tree this year), and Christmas, so we have some fun suggestions for getting into the Spooky Time spirit on April 30th.
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A horror movie marathon
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Break out the pumpkin spice and make yourself at latte.
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Bake some spooky cupcakes.
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Go on a local ghost tour.
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Befriend some crows with unsalted, shelled peanuts.
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Do the Monster Mash in your favorite Halloween costume.
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All of the above – duh!